Book Excerpt #1: Introduction

ARE YOU A HAGGARD HOUSEWIFE?


I suppose the initial question to ask is what is a haggard housewife? To begin with, the dictionary states that a housewife is a married woman in charge of a household. Ironically, a housewife is also defined as a pocket-sized container for small articles (which would explain why my kids are always digging through my purse for gum, quarters, and any variety of tiny items they might have misplaced.)
The dictionary defines haggard as being wild or distraught in appearance or having a worn and exhausted appearance. Put them together and you have a woman who is in charge of a household whose nerves are frazzled and whose mind and body are on the brink of collapse.
One does not need to feel this way 100% of the time to be a haggard housewife. Even if she feels stressed and fatigued on occasion, it is enough to qualify. If you are not certain this title describes you, I have provided a short questionnaire to help clarify any confusion. Once you have answered the questions, compare them to the explanations at the end. The results just might surprise you.

Are You A Haggard Housewife?


1. How often do you make dinner from scratch?

a. Every night with only rare exceptions
b. At least once a week, whether I want to or not
c. On occasion, when my mother-in-law comes to visit
d. What’s scratch, and where can I buy some?

2. How often do you talk on the phone with friends?

a. Often. I call my friends at least once a week
b. Occasionally. I call my friends on their birthdays.
c. Rarely. My friends call me and sometimes I pick up.
d. Never. That’s why God created answering machines.

3. “On my child’s first day of school, I…”

a. Cried because I knew how much I would miss him.
b. Wandered aimlessly around the house until he came back home.
c. Took a nap.
d. Shouted, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last!”

4. “When a friend drops by for an unexpected visit, I…”

a. Welcome her in with open arms.
b. Shout “Hang on a second!” and scramble to pick up the living room.
c. Lie and tell her I’ve got the flu.
d. Hide in the bathroom until she leaves.

5. If your husband took the kids for the day what would you do with your time?

a. I would have lunch with my girlfriends and get a manicure.
b. I would waste it trying to figure out what chores I should do first.
c. I would order pizza and watch TV all day – basking in the solitude.
d. I would get the locks changed (heh, heh, heh!)

6. “On Sundays, when my family goes to church, I…”

a. Dress my kids in matching outfits and arrive 5 minutes early.
b. Tell my kids to find something, anything to wear, and hurry it up for @*#$% sake!
c. Tell my husband that I’ll get there when I get there.
d. What? It’s Sunday again?! Are you sure?

7. How often do you have sex?

a. As often as it takes to keep my husband happy.
b. Every other weekend, whether I want to or not.
c. Whenever I run out of excuses.
d. I’ll have sex the day my husband learns to wash his own underwear.

8. The song that most typifies my life as a housewife is…

a. “Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This”
b. “Back On The Chain Gang”
c. “I Will Survive”
d. “We’re Not Gonna Take It”

9. “What I want for Christmas this year is…”

a. A gift card to my local spa.
b. A new vacuum cleaner.
c. A gift card to Burger King.
d. One one-way ticket to Honolulu.


Results:

Mostly“A”s: You are either from another planet or in complete denial. Return this book immediately and get your money back.

Mostly “B”s: You are a devoted wife and mother, but you sometimes feel unappreciated and overworked. You need to relax and laugh a little more. This book is just the medicine you need.

Mostly “C”s: While you are secure in your role as a homemaker, your life feels chaotic and harried. You can never seem to catch up or gain the upper hand. You are not alone, as this book will show you.

Mostly “D”s: You are on the verge of surrender. Your cynical attitude about life needs a serious adjustment. Maybe this book will help. Maybe it won’t. But what have you got to lose by trying? Life can’t get much worse than it already is, can it?